"Heavenly Humor" (and other witticisms)

"Heavenly Humor"

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should

remember these four great religious truths:

1.  Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

2.  Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3.  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4.  Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted.  “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained.  

“But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

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Pure... Relevant... Humor!!!

“The Older We Get…"

ONE
Recently when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'  I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'  She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. 

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I 
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries…it’s a long walk…'.

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five, 

'blank' copies.
(And she was a brunette, believe it or not)
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
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Life is tough…It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
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Being Green (an Ode For the Ages)

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't...

good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

__________________

"What one believes they are, they will become!

What do you believe"?

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Love, Can You Define It?



A Special Edition of What Were You Thinking

      There are three words for “Love” in the Greek language.  They are: Agape, Eros and Philia.  Agape is the type of love used frequently in the Bible and especially in what is known as the Love Chapter, (1Cor: 13). The kind of love that is sacrificial and all encompassing.  It is also the kind of love God has for His children, actually shown by God to His children by example.  Keyword: Charity. 

     Then there is “Eros”.  Eros is the Greek word for a desirable affection.  The type one would have for a spouse in love making.  The most famous ancient work on this subject would be that of Plato’s Symposium which speaks to the students of Socrates on the subject of Eros.  Plato also thought that Eros did not have to be a sexual kind of love but still passionate.  In otherwords, a sexual relationship is not necessary but aside from it has all the passion of love that married people have, but not the only love they have.  Keyword: Passionate.

      Finally, we have the Greek, “Philia”.  Developed by Aristotle and meaning a friendship type of love (Modern day Greek), it includes loyalty to friends, family and community.  It’s also, a very virtuous type of love.  And now that we have defined love, let’s take a look at what is inside us.  Keyword: Platonic.

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       If one has to choose but one kind of love, it should be Agape love.  This is the love that all others should be based on.  So now that we have the definitions, can we spot the love in our own lives?  If you are in a relationship, how many of you can say honestly that you have all three types of love?  For your children, can you honestly profess that you give them all three types of love?  Is it the sacrificial type?  Do you put your needs and wants above your children’s?  Would you lay down your life for your spouse, your child, a friend or even a neighbor?  How about someone you don’t even know?  Who loves us this deeply; our parents or a brother or sister?  Don’t you know that we cannot love like this unless God shows us how?

     Since we are talking right now about the Agape love, the love that is actually God given to the world at large, we must include what the Bible says about this kind of love.  It actually speaks volumes to the subject, most by example.  In John 3:16 it tells us that “God SO loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son so that whoever believes in Him would not perish but have eternal life”.  God didn’t kill His Son, He gave Him up on the cross and Jesus went willingly to save us from our sins for all time.  Why would Jesus do that?  Simply, after the fall in the Garden, we have all taken a walk on the wild side and are now born with sin in us.  The wages (payment) for sin is death (of the body and the spirit)!   It requires a sinless blood sacrifice to take away our sin (which I’m sure a lot of you will not understand) but, animals could not provide this.  So What Were They Thinking?

     Again, I advise you to read 1 Corinthians, Chap. 13 and find out what God has to say about true Agape love.  This is the type of love we are told, that comes from God, Himself.   If you haven’t already read what is commonly referred to as the “love chapter”, you will find that it gives the best definitions of what love is and what it is not than anything I have ever read, by far.

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     Now let’s talk about Eros.  This is the passionate, sensual kind of love one would have for their spouse.  A desire to be united with the person you have a wonderful affection for.  Generally speaking, the desire is in us to procreate, to make life after ourselves and to essentially prolong our existence through another.  It is the original desire of the world.  This desire is in our genes.  It has been with us since mankind first appeared on the world scene.  Yet, this is the only sense in which it lasts.  The love of Eros being a physical love, does not last.  It changes in intensity and frequency according to the will of the mind and body.

      However, in some cases, it looks nothing like what it started out to be.  What interests me is how someone can be so passionately in love with another and in a short time later, become disrespectful and hateful to the same person they avowed their undying love to,  resorting to name calling, emotional and physical abuses.   Why…?  For whose sake do they do these things to one another?  It certainly does not make the other person feel better about their self nor is it of any benefit to either party.  In a sense, there almost seems to be some kind of vengeance thing going on.  What kind of hatred wells up inside a person to make him or her do this to another person?  What Were They Thinking?

     If people enjoin in a relationship basing that relationship on this kind of love, there is no reason to believe it could last.  Because it is a temporal and physical love, it’s easy to turn sour.  People need to base a lasting relationship whether it’s marriage, or friendship on something more substantive.  Not doing so is perhaps why the divorce rate in this country is between 50 and 60% at any given time (sometimes higher).

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     Finally, what about Philia love, the fraternal, brotherly type love that we give, or do we?  If we are to consider what the Bible says about who is our brother or neighbor in these instances, we must also consider whether or not we are responding as we should.  I believe this is one of the most difficult kinds of love to achieve.  The Bible again states plainly these words, “He who hates his brother, has murdered him in his heart”.  These are fairly strong words.  Just who is your brother or your neighbor?  The Bible also speaks of the Golden Rule…”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.  How many of us can say we can abide by this 100% of the time?  “To love those who love you is easy, the hard part is to love those who curse you (Matt. 5:43-46, Luke 6: 27-35)”.  This is truly tough love!

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     Now that you are a little more informed as to what love is and what it isn’t, What Were You Thinking it was?  Do your ideas and beliefs line up with what is shared here today with you?  Do you love others as you love yourself?  Do you love yourself (and I don’t mean pamper yourself or take pride of yourself) I mean really and truly for your benefit, love yourself?  Do you think of what is beneficial for you rather than, demanding the things you think you want?   I don’t ask these questions because I have a need to know, I ask because YOU should know how and why you love and are loved.

     It isn’t an easy thing at times, to love yourself or others.  In fact, it’s probably the hardest thing you can do but is it worth the effort?  You bet it is!  “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach” (Elizabeth Barrett Browning).  And this is the way I love people, myself and my God.  If everyone would strive to love this way, do you think we would have a better world or a world that is worse than we have now?

     Please feel free as always to comment on what is written here.  Be assured, I will return to you the most thoughtful, kind, truthful and loving answer I can.

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End

What Were YOU Thinking?



 (An ongoing series of true life events)

As I sit here typing, deep in my thoughts, I consider how many people have wondered at one time or another in their colorful, happy, sad, inventive, mysterious, incoherent, impossible or expressive Living Out Loud lives (I may have left out an adjective or two, ya think?), they have thought to themselves…”What were YOU thinking?”

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Today’s installment is entitled: Terrorism, What is it and what can we do about it?

Osama Bin Laden, the world’s number one terrorist is DEAD.  Yet, there are many more to step up and take his place.  Terror thrives in the Middle East and it spreads from there to every nook and cranny of the world.

An ongoing, all out war of morality, religion, superiority and politics continues to rage there.  It’s extremist Muslims against the infidel.  Mainly, it’s against Israel but also, anyone who takes the Jewish part in all this.  This war goes back millennia and frankly, I don’t see any end in sight until the Second Coming.

One has to ask the question however, of the terrorist, “WWYT/What Were You Thinking”?  Do you really think that strapping bombs to little children or young men and women, with the promised reward of heavenly virgins and blowing up civilians will garner world support for your cause?  Do you actually think that hijacking jets and flying them into buildings where thousands of people (who have nothing to do with you or your cause) get killed is going to get support for your way of life?  What are you thinking…or are you?

Then there is the racially motivated terrorism.  This is the kind of terror that begins at home.  The killing fields in Africa where tribes war against each other.  Women being raped, their husbands killed or worse, taken away never to be seen or heard from again.  In Ireland, much like the Middle East, it’s Protestant against Catholic, a free Republic against the Crown of England.  In the US, it’s Crips and Bloods, the Almighty Black P Stone nation, the Triad/Yakuza, Asian Boyz, the infamous Hell’s Angels, the Latin Kings and the 18^th Street gang, just to name a few.  All of the above traffic in violence and terror. 

Gangs originally began in the US to protect ones family and possessions or localities.  Of course, these gangs now operate on a much more feral level.  Murder for hire, theft, rape and the oh, so enticing “jumping in” ceremonies are but a few of the ways these people terrorize their communities.

Do all these horrific acts make them think that they will be seen as endearing to those around them?  No!  It’s all done to make others submit out of fear.  But it also does something equally unseemly, it perpetuates stereotypes.  How you might ask?  To begin with, when some see radical Muslims on the news or their group being the ones who take credit for bombing a school bus or some grocery store; what faces do you think they associate in the future with these horrific crimes?  

Why is it that terror is the first action these people resort to?   Why not try the news or peaceful demonstrations first?  Other people deal with their plights in such ways.  So how can these things be good things?  How can they be more expedient for their lifestyles?  Do they not see that this behavior disenfranchises them from the rest of the world?

 “What Were You Thinking”?  It seems there are only three logical options for this type of lifestyle behavior.  They can get out…maybe, they can go to prison (and most do) or they can die and early violent death.  Great choices, are they not?

I said earlier in this segment and I will say it again, “Terror begins at HOME.  Whether it is the bully in school or the street gang or international terrorists, the psychology is the same.  Gangs are growing all over the world, whether they are Middle Eastern gangs, Russian, Irish, street thugs or prison gangs, they are exponentially flourishing.  Is there any way that we can turn the tide of this runaway problem or will it be a slow, case by case endeavor as it was with Osama bin Laden, with no real permanent outcome?

Because of terrorists (no matter what the type) there are people who will lose their lives.  The ongoing dilemma is that it costs those who live through terror their freedoms.  We are the ones who become insecure or locked up behind our walls while they roam free.  And we are the ones who cross the street when we see someone of a different race coming toward us with a brief case or a rough looking appearance.  This is not good for the human race or the ability for us to move forward with peace and love.

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I welcome all comments and suggestions to every installment of WWYT that is produced.  I also encourage you to give me your comments on possible ideas for each segment as I will be happy to credit your name for your thought.  Finally, I would like to thank everyone who participates here in advance and for those who have already participated in making WWYT the success that it is.