"Heavenly Humor" (and other witticisms)

"Heavenly Humor"

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should

remember these four great religious truths:

1.  Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

2.  Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3.  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4.  Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted.  “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained.  

“But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

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GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good

  Samaritan.

 She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all

 wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

 A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 
“I think I’d throw up.”

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 DID NOAH FISH?

 A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

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 THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23.  She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.  After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
 “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

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BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night?  That’s very commendable.  What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

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ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).  For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls (cont...) .”

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”

Kelli’s response was… “I say it because; everybody always finishes their 

prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”

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THE BIBLE

Did you know that when you carry the Bible… Satan has a headache.  When you open it… he collapses.  When he sees you reading it… he faints.  Let’s read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting.  Maybe one day he’ll have a stroke and never wake up. 

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A "Gentle" Reminder For Those Over Fifty

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it 


is all true…

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 No one expects you to run--anywhere.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat supper at 5 PM.

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into 
the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national 
weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't 
remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on 
the same night.

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And did you also know that when you are about to tell everyone you know about this blog, the devil will try to discourage you, but tell them anyway.
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END